Radio Revelry: The Merry Nativity

In our second production for ‘Radio Revelry’ we wind down from the Christmas season with a comedic take on the Nativity story! 

Credits

In ‘The Merry Nativity’ 

Gabriel was played by Catriona Scott

Tannin by Ariana Ellis

Mary by Ellis Jamieson 

Joseph by Monica Burns

Aref by Robert McCahill

Bashir by José Gonzalez

Dabeer by Ben Hall

Ezra by Ellisha O’Donnell

Herod by Mark McCartney 

And Creep by Rosie Beech

All other parts were played by members of the cast.

Transcript

The Merry Nativity

Disclaimer: This is comedy based on the Christian Nativity story. No offence is intended to people of any faith or non. 

Scene 1

-O Come all ye faithful plays. It fades to Gabriel humming the same tune. There is the sound of a whoosh of flames-

Tannin: That tune won’t be written for two thousand years!

Gabriel: Ah! why do you always appear behind me, Demon 

Tannin: It’s my job to scare people. Just because you glow like a Christmas tree doesn’t mean you’re exempt. What has you so chipper this morning, Arc angel? 

Gabriel: That’s Mr Arc Angel to you. And today’s the big day! 

Tannin: Was that today? Well shucks I forgot to bring a card. 

Gabriel: Very funny.

Tannin: You’re very excited for your role as celestial pregnancy test.

Gabriel: Now who’s in the wrong time period. And of course, I’m excited! This is the beginning a new chapter for the world!

Tannin: You could even call it a new testament?

Gabriel: Stop being a smart-arse, Tannin! 

Tannin: You need to stop being irritable. Maybe get some fun herbs in your cigarettes. 

Gabriel: I’ll be as irritable with you as I like, and I’ve given up smoking for your information!

Tannin: When?

Gabriel: …Now.

Tannin: Well she’s waking up so straighten your halo and get to it. I’ll hide in the closet. Don’t want her to think she’s getting a visit from a demon instead of an angel.

Gabriel: Oh, heck! Just shut up and stay out of sight.

-Mary yawns-

Mary: What time is it? Did that ruddy cockerel not go off again?  

-Sleepy noises from Mary. Heavenly music-

Gabriel: (Echo effect) Hail, thou that art highly favoured, the Lord is with thee.

Mary: (Screams) Who are you? Why are you in my house? 

-Tannin giggling from the cupboard-

G: (shouting to be heard over her screams) fear not, Mary: for thou hast found favour with God.

M: Why are you glowing?

G: And behold, though shalt conceive in thy womb…

M: (screaming) You stay away from my womb! 

Gabriel:… and bring forth a son and shall call his name Jesus.

Mary: I do not want a glowing womb!  

G: Look, I’m an angel, not Chernobyl! And I’m not the father, God is.

M: What’s a Chernobyl?

G: Never mind! But anyway he’ll be great! And be called the son of the highest… 

M: Stop Glowing!

G: and god shall give unto him the throne of his father, David! 

M: My fiancé is Joseph, not David! I don’t know a David! Are you sure you have the right house? 

Gabriel: (to the cupboard) Pst Tannin. This is 33, kings street right?

 M: Why are you talking to my cupboard?

G: (trying to be composed and continue) Never mind! Where was I? And he shall reign over the house of Jacob forever and his kingdom shall have no end. 

M: I just told you it’s Joseph! Not David, not Jacob! Joseph! And we haven’t even had (euphemism for sex) 

G: The Holy Ghost shall come upon thee- 

M: WHAT?!

G: and the power of the highest overshadow thee-

M:  What are you talking about? Can you please just explain properly!

G: Listen, God promised the world a Messiah, And… your it.

M: I’m the Messiah? 

Gabriel: No, no! you’re going to be his mother.

Mary: I… I still don’t know who David is…

Gabriel: Forget David! Let’s start again… Shall I put the kettle on? 

Mary: Okay.

-Music-

G: ... Look, to cut a long story short, you’re really strong and your love will help you through it and god saw how devoted you are. You’ll be a great mum. And honestly you are so cute girl! That’s going to help when the make effigies of you for thousands of years. 

M: Thousands?... oh... 

G: blessed art thou among women...? 

M: (sighs) fine! Guess that does explain while I’ve been a moody cow the past few weeks... and the pickle incident....

G: Pickle incident? 

Mary: You talk to cupboards!

Gabriel: Fine. Look it’ll be fine! I’ll be there the whole time. 

Mary: This is a lot. I think I need to go and spill the tea with Liz.

Gabriel: Good Idea!

-footsteps-

Gabriel: By the way she’s pregnant too.

Mary: … God is good! 

-Door closes-

Tannin: She took that better than I expected.

Gabriel: I really need a cigarette.

Tannin: I thought you quit?

Gabriel: I did: After this one. 

Tannin: Here use my lighter. So… Aren’t you curious about why I’m here?

Gabriel: I assumed it was to torment me.

Tannin: Actually, I’m on a mission of my own. I have been commanded to try and ruin the Nativity of the Lord.

Gabriel: -Coughing- What!? 

-music-

Scene 2

-Door opening and closing-

Joseph: Mary? 

Mary: I’m in the kitchen, Joseph.

Joseph: but that’s not out…

Mary: What?

Joseph: The kitchen’s inside. You said we were going out? 

Mary: change of plans. I have some news for you. I wanted to tell you over dinner.

Joseph: Is that your Shakshuka? It smells lovely! 

Mary: Sit down and let’s eat while I tell you. 

(muttered) Blessed are You, lord our God, Ruler of the universe, at whose word all came to be.

-clatter of cutlery-

M: ... I’m having a baby.

J: well yeah, that’s what happens when men and women get married. And hopefully we’ll have lots of …babies.

M: I mean I’m pregnant now. 

J: wait! This was our wedding feast?! 

M: What? no! It’s a good thing you’ve got a pretty face.  I was visited by an angel...

J: I thought I was your angel?

M: a real one. A messenger from the lord.

Joseph: what did it say? 

Mary: They told me that I was going to have a baby.

Joseph: We’re going to be parents? 

Mary: well yes and no. 

Joseph: I don’t quite follow? 

Mary: he’s Gods child, not ours. But you’ll be like a father to him. 

-whoosh of flames- 

Tannin: -echo on the voice- You can’t believe this. Miraculous things don’t happen to people like you and her. 

Mary: Joseph? Please say something. 

Joseph: Miraculous things don’t happen to people like you and her – I mean me. 

Mary: But it’s the truth.

Joseph: If you want to break up you can have the goat back-

Mary: I don’t want Doris back, I want to marry you!

Joseph: But it’s not my baby, how can we get married? I’m gonna go now. 

Mary: Joseph!

Joseph: I’ll send Doris round in the morning. 

-door opens and closes, Mary starts crying-

Tannin: Who names a goat Doris? 

-celestial sound- 

Gabriel: What have you done? 

Tannin: I just gave him a nudge, that’s all I can do. 

Gabriel: you absolute… Pillock! 

Tannin: I’m just good at my job.

Gabriel: Which is making mine harder! 

Tannin: It’ll be fine, just reveal yourself in all your glowing glory and put the fear of god into him. 

Gabriel: You idiot it isn’t as easy as that. (Pause) Or maybe it could be… 

Tannin: See, I’m not just three pretty faces. 

Gabriel: Do me a favour and duct tape the last mouth like you did with the other two. I’ve got important things to do.

Tannin: Rude.

-Music-

Gabriel: Joseph son of David.

Joseph: Huh? What? Why are you glowing? 

Gabriel: This again? I can’t help it, it’s a skin condition!  I am an angel of the Lord. Do not be afraid to take Mary home as your wife, because what is conceived in her is from the Holy Spirit. 

Joseph: (Threateningly) Are you the holy spirit? 

Gabriel: No no no! I’m just the messenger!

Joseph: Well that’s ok then. I just wondered because she was glowing earlier.

Gabriel: … she’s pregnant; of course she’s glowing. (Sigh) She will give birth to a son, and you are to give him the name Jesus, because he will save his people from their sins. Now please wake up so I can have another cigarette.

-A crash of thunder and Joseph shouts in fear-

Joseph: Was that a dream? I should pinch myself. Ouch! Oh no! I need to go and say sorry to Mary! 

-Bird song-

Joseph: Mary? Where are you?

Mary: Joseph? Where’s Doris? 

Joseph: I’ve left Doris at home. An angel spoke to me.

Mary: Was the angel glowing?

Joseph: Yeh.

Mary: Ok continue.

Joseph: He told me I have to marry you.

Mary: (Angry tone) oh, you do, do you? 

Joseph: (Hesitantly) Yes?

Mary: You didn’t believe me. 

Joseph: I believe you now?

Mary: Congratulations. What do you want? A cookie? 

Joseph: Do you have one?

Mary: No! And I’m not sure if I want you back now. 

Joseph: But the angel said…

Mary: You, the person I loved and trusted, thought I’d (euphemism) with someone else. What would the rest of the town have thought? 

Joseph: that you’d had too many mince pies? 

Mary: Joseph! I need to think about this.

Joseph: Ok…

(Pause)

Mary: Alone. 

Joseph: Ok. I’ll go and explain this to Doris. She won’t be happy. 

Tannin: That didn’t go exactly to plan.

Gabriel: For the love of God Shut up and give me your lighter. 

-music-

Scene 3

-Goat noises-

Joseph: Now Doris, Be a good girl while we’re away. It’s your job to defend the house. We’ll be back soon.

Mary: Is that everything?

Joseph: It’s as much as Alma can carry.

-disgruntled Donkey noise. - 

Gabriel: And why are YOU here?

Tannin: For the sightseeing.

Gabriel: There’s lots of sights to see in Timbuctoo. 

Tannin: Come on! You’ll get bored if you have no one to talk to.

Gabriel: How can I be bored when I’m doing as the Lord commands me? 

Tannin: Very easily, have you been to Sunday school? Besides I’ve got Cigarettes from 1920’s Portugal.

Gabriel: How many? 

Tannin: A case.

Gabriel: Ok you can stay.

Mary: This is all a bit ridiculous.

Joseph: What is? 

Mary: The emperor has never ordered a census before. Why does he have to order one while I’m pregnant? And why do we have to return to the place of your birth? 

Gabriel: I had a hand in that. 

Tannin: You have a hand in everything. How many do you have by the way? I could never count them all.

Gabriel: 42. It’s all to fulfil the prophecy.

Tannin: your 42 hands are fulfilling a prophecy?

Gabriel: No, no. I’m Fulfilling a prophecy by having a hand in it.

Tannin: Which one? There are so many!

Gabriel: This one. 

Tannin: No, not which hand! Which prophecy! 

Gabriel: Oh right. Well, It’s said that the Messiah will be born in Bethlehem from the stem of Jesse. He was the ancestor of King David

Tannin: (snort) Sounds rude

Gabriel: You’re making it rude!

Tannin: Hang on. Isn’t Joseph the one that’s related to David?

Gabriel: Yes.

Tannin: But Mary is a virgin. She’s not having his baby.

Gabriel: Well… maybe people won’t notice that. 

-Pause and clopping hooves-

Joseph: Hey Mary. What if he glows? 

Gabriel: Oh for… Pete’s sake!

Mary: We’d never loose him.

Joseph: … What if he can fly? 

Mary: We’ll block up the chimney, he’ll be fine.

Joseph: …What if he doesn’t like me?

Mary: (quietly) Everyone likes you.

Joseph: But I’m not his real dad. What if he can tell? 

Tannin: For goodness sake why are you glowing so brightly? You’re blinding all six of my eyes! Have you got a new lightbulb in your halo or something? 

Gabriel: I’m a star.

Tannin: Someone’s got a big head. 

Gabriel: Says the person with three.

Tannin: Hey, we’re all reasonably sized. And you didn’t answer my question.

Gabriel: I did! I am a star, lighting the way for those that will follow. Certain people need to be at the saviour’s birth.

Tannin: Sure thing, sparkles. Anyway, I have to nip off for a bit.

Gabriel: Why? 

Tannin: Just some Demon business. Don’t worry, I won’t be long. Don’t miss me too much. (kiss noise) 

-Whoosh of flame-

Gabriel: Arrogant little so and so! As if I’d miss him. 

Scene 4

-Traditional Persian Music-

Aref: The sun is setting. Where is the star?

Dabeer: Shining In the east, granddad. Put your glasses on.

Bashir: We should have taken him to Specsavers before we left.

Dabeer: It seems brighter tonight. 

Aref: The time must be drawing near. 

Dabeer: Do you think we’ll arrive before he’s born.

Bashir: Not if we keep up this pace, lad. Are you riding a camel or a giant snail? Dangle a carrot in front of her or something!  

Dabeer: She’s not a donkey, dad! And she’s tired! Aren’t you, old girl?

Aref: Well my arse has certainly gone to sleep and it may never wake up!

Bashir: Dad! 

Dabeer (simultaneously) Granddad! We don’t want to hear about your ass.

Aref: If I had an ass I wouldn’t be riding a camel. Is that a town over there? I wonder if it’s that place that makes great steak and kidney pie? 

Bashir: Dad, put your glasses on that is clearly a sand dune!... Oh, wait no it is a town. My mistake.

Dabeer: Kidneys, how offal. 

-The sound of a lively inn that goes quiet as the door opens-

Aref: Son, you have the bum bag with all the foreign money so this round’s on you.

Bashir: (sigh) Hello, sir. Can we buy a meal for three and a place to rest? 

Barman: sure thing… Wait are you lot from Persia? I don’t deal with your funny money.

Aref: Well actually I think you’ll find that’s legal tender.

Dabeer: It’s got your emperors head on it and everything.

Barman: You’ve got our emperor’s head! You monsters!

Aref: If this one had another brain cell it would be lonely.

Dabeer: What’s a brain cell, Granddad?

Aref: That’s next week’s lesson. 

Bashir: No no no! This is roman money! It’s a picture! Look!

Barman: That doesn’t look like our emperor.

Bashir: Have you ever seen your emperor?

Barman:… No.

Bashir: Then how do you know what he looks like.

Barman: I know he’s bigger than that. 

Bashir: …Well that’s indisputable logic.

Barman: What’s that? 

Aref: I think we should leave. His stupidity might be infectious. 

-The door shuts behind them. Music and then a crackling fire and Sheep baa-ing-

Ezra: Hello? Is someone out there? 

Bashir: Sorry to bother you, we were just looking for somewhere to pitch our camels and rest our tents… I mean… sorry we’ve been driving for hours.

Aref: My god, The stupidity was infectious.  

Ezra: Well my fire’s warm and I’m always eager for company. Besides, the sheep’s conversation gets pretty dull. 

Aref: Thank you. My bones were complaining so much I thought my husband had come along for the ride.

Ezra: My Grandpa gets like that too. I’ve got some blankets if you’d like them, no not that pile, that’s the sheep.

-Disgruntled sheep-

Dabeer: Granddad, Glasses! 

Bashir: Thank you for sharing your fire! We tried to find somewhere in town. The lights were on but no one was home. 

Ezra: I know exactly what you mean. They’ve only just discovered fire. So where are you from?  I bet you have some stories to tell.

Dabeer: I’ve picked up several excellent folk tales! Would you like to hear one?

Ezra: Yes please!

Dabeer: There was a young Co-ed of Kent,

In matters of law eloquent.

She told lawyers from Yale

That her ass was for sale,

But they proved it was only for rent.

-Ezra laughs-

Bashir: Son! You can’t talk about a woman’s ass!

Dabeer: Why? Donkeys are funny!

Ezra: well that poem definitely deserves a plate of stew. 

Bashir: Yes, please shut him up with food.

Aref: I wish I was deaf instead of blind.

-sheep baas, Music-

Ezra: So where are you headed?

Dabeer: (trying to sound impressive) We’re on a very important mission that’s going to change the course of history. A new king I about to be born and we’re bringing him presents (Rest of sentence is muffled)  

Bashir: That’s top secret.

Aref: Well it’s more of a medium secret now. 

Ezra: Well I’m not gonna tell anyone. When would I ever have anything to do with a king. 

Dabeer: (still muffled) Yeah come on dad.

Bashir: Fine but on your own heads be it!

Dabeer: We’ve been following a star for weeks but it keeps moving! And dad refused to stop and ask for directions.

Bashir: ok that’s enough son!

Ezra: Well if I wanted to find a new king I’d go and talk to King Herod. Apparently, he’s great

Aref: And where does he live? 

Ezra: You can’t miss it! His palace is shaped like the number 5, painted blue and has a gold statue on top that’s clearly compensating for something. 

Dabeer: I can’t imagine the new king being born under a giant, golden… 

Bashir: (interrupting) It’s the best lead we’ve got. We’ll head of first light. Thank you for sharing your food and your fire.

Dabeer: And when we come back we can tell you all about it! It won’t be so secret then. 

Ezra: I can’t wait! You guys are living the dream! What I wouldn’t give to do what you do.

Dabeer: Maybe next time you could join us. 

Ezra: Yeah cause then I could follow a moving a star too.

Aref: That line was cheesier than the inside of my sandals. 

-music and then a babble of a crowded room-

Tannin: There are more minor devils here than the outer circle! What’s going on here. Hey you!

Minor Devil: Lemme go!

Tannin: Why are so many of you hanging around here?

Minor Devil: Aw man, Herod’s Court is the place to be! So much chaos and suffering! It’s full of angry and despairing souls! It’s basically a free buffet!

Tannin: So, you guys are twisting his decisions? 

Minor Devil: Naw man! Nothing can get through that guy’s skull! Not angels, not devils! It’s like he’s got a secret weapon! But at least he’s in his own warped purgatory! (Cackles) 

Tannin: That complicates things.

Minor Devil: You gotta let me go! I’m starving and that advisor looks so tasty! 

Tannin: Get out of here you little creep.

Minor Devil: That’s the nicest thing anyone’s said to me all day. 

Guard: My King, there are travellers from the east that wish to speak with you.

Herod: Have you made sure that they aren’t secret lizards.

Guards: Yes, your majesty.

Herod: Did you check their tongues.

Guards: Yes, your majesty.

Herod: Did you check for tails? 

Guards: Yes, your majesty.

Herod: Did you check for cloaca?

Guards: Yes, your majesty, we checked everywhere. 

Aref: I wasn’t due for that kind of check-up for at least a month. 

Herod: (reluctantly) Then they may enter, but make sure they only walk on two legs.

Aref: Greetings King Herod. We have travelled around the world

Herod: a flat the world.

Aref: What?

Herod: Flat! Everyone knows the world is like a giant pancake. The round world theory is just a conspiracy by the Greeks. They’re trying to control our thoughts. 

Dabeer: (muttered) Is that crown made of tinfoil?

Bashir: Very likely. 

Aref: We are searching for the one who has been born King of the Jews. We saw his star in the east and have come to honour him.

Herod: What?! A plot to usurp me! 

Bashir: No, no! We assumed he would be a friend of yours. 

Herod: When you assume you make an ass out of you.

Dabeer: (trying to finish the sentence) And me? 

Herod: Yes, and you too. 

Aref: There is a prophesy that the Messiah is about to be born.

Herod: A Prophesy? law master! 

-Squeaky noise-

Dabeer: Is that a sock puppet? 

Herod: His name is Boris. 

Bashir: Talking to himself. First sign of madness. 

Aref: Did you miss all the other signs? 

Herod: Yes, here is the prophecy.

Three ounces of butter, two cups of… wait, this is the wrong prophecy. Here we are! 

‘But you, Bethlehem, in the land of Judah, 

are by no means least among the rulers of Judah; 

for out of you will come a ruler 

who will be the shepherd of my people Israel’

Bashir: I don’t know what’s more disturbing, that this mad man actually had the prophecy, or that it was being held by a sock puppet. 

Dabeer: Where was he even keeping that?

Herod: (In a whisper) We must be careful Boris! These tricksy people could be trying to lure us into the clutches of aliens! (To the room) Now I understand Perfectly you wise and knowledgeable men have come to seek a heavenly envoy. Such an important mission. I bid you to go and make a careful search for the ‘child’ in Bethlehem. As soon as you have found him, report back to me, so that I too may go and worship him. Now leave I have a meeting with this new group, the Illuminati. 

-Footsteps-

Bashir: Well we did find our lead.

Aref: True, and I think we found patient zero for the Moron-o-Virus!

-footsteps fade music- 

Scene 5

-The sound of a busy street. Mary makes a small noise of pain-

Joseph: No luck in there either. 

Mary: Again? That’s the 10th inn we’ve tried! It’s almost as if this was planned!

Tannin: she knows!

Gabriel: Shh!

Joseph: The whole town is full. What do we do? 

Mary: We’ll have to try the next one… 

-Mary makes a distinctive sound of early labour pains-

Joseph: Mary? Whats happening?

Mary: I… I need to sit down.

Joseph: I can lift you back on the donkey

Mary: No, I need somewhere safe and stable.

Joseph: Definitely rules out Britannia then

-Mary screams-

Gabriel: (disguised as innkeeper) Hello, I am definitely a human innkeeper who cannot glow. What’s going on? 

Joseph: It’s my wife. I think she’s having a baby. 

Mary: Duh!!

Gabriel: Here? 

Mary: preferably not.

Gabriel: We don’t have any rooms free…

-Mary screams-

Gabriel: Right, follow me I have an idea.

-footsteps and Mary’s groans-

Joseph: When we said somewhere stable we didn’t mean literally!

Mary: Just get me inside now!

-door creaks and an animal noise-

Gabriel: you get her sat down and I’ll go and find someone who knows what they’re doing.

Joseph: I can’t believe Doris is missing this

Mary: She’ll get over it!

Joseph: But she was going to be our nanny.

Gabriel: right, this is Ruth. She’s an old crone that lives in a hedge and brews potions from mushrooms! Isn’t modern medicine wonderful? 

-Mary Screams-

Gabriel: Well I’ll leave you to it. 

Joseph: Wait for me!

Gabriel: (confused) Okay…

-The door closes-

-Kitchen sounds-

Gabriel: Scared of… human fluids? 

Tannin: Have you forgotten the word for blood?

Gabriel: I mean blood. 

Joseph: Not exactly. 

-Mary’s muffled screams-

Joseph: I want to be in there. I just don’t know if I should be... The baby’s not mine.

Gabriel: Oh, sorry to hear that. Are you ok? 

Joseph: Just confused. I’m always confused but usually Mary knows what to do. But this time she’s scared too and that makes it worse. 

Gabriel: Well having a baby is always scary whether you planned it or it’s the son of God.

Joseph: Huh? How did you…

Gabriel: Just a hypothetical. What I’m trying to say is. As long as you love each other you can get through anything. And getting through the tough times is what makes you a family. 

Joseph: Yeah, you’re right! You’re almost as smart as Mary!  

Mary: (Screaming) Joseph! 

Joseph: (calling) I’m coming, honey, don’t worry.

Gabriel: First time dads. What a fuss.

Tannin: That dress suits you.

Gabriel: You think so! Potatoes make surprisingly convincing breasts.

Tannin: Potatoes?!

Gabriel: The shops are never open on Christmas. I had to improvise. 

-Music, Sleepy baby noises-

Joseph: He’s so small.

Mary: He definitely didn’t feel small on the way out! 

Joseph: He’s perfect.

Mary: Thank goodness, he isn’t glowing.

Joseph: Yeah, but you are. I’m sorry I’ve been so stupid.

Mary: Hey don’t say horrible things about the man I love.

Joseph: Who’s that then?

Mary: You… you, lovable idiot.

Joseph: Will you marry me? 

Mary: Obviously.

-Happy baby noises-

Scene 6

Gabriel: Where are they?!

Tannin: Who? The three wise guys? 

Gabriel: They were supposed to be here by now! Did you do something to slow them down? 

Tannin: No! I had… other business.

Gabriel: This is going to ruin the itinerary! 

Tannin: What are you getting your celestial knickers in a twist about?

Gabriel: I have to go and fetch the shepherds but because the magi aren’t here I need to stay as the star to guide them! I can’t be in two places at once. 

Tannin: Well, maybe I could go and get the lonely goatherd.

Gabriel: You? But you have three heads and scales.

Tannin: I can hide them. Watch this.

-The transformation is accompanied by strange sounds and punctuated by sounds of discomfort-

Tannin: Just got to grow some feathers on these wings. Suck in the scales. Tuck in the heads. File down the teeth. There, what do you think? 

Gabriel: That’s actually not too bad! Was this what you looked like before you fell? 

Tannin: Oh, shut up. I’ll be right back. You just keep being a big neon sign.

-A whoosh of flames Music-

-alarmed sheep-

Ezra- What’s wrong, girls? is something bothering you?

-Heavenly music plays and Ezra screams in fear-

Tannin: Do not be afraid. 

-Ezra continues to scream-

Tannin: Shut up! Gabriel’s job is harder than I thought. I bring you good news that will cause great joy for all the people. Including you Mutton chop. Today in the town of David a Saviour has been born to you; he is the Messiah, the Lord. This will be a sign to you: If you could read.

Ezra: Actually I can.

Tannin: We don’t have time for your life story! You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger. Glory to… (retch) God in the highest heaven, and on earth peace to etc etc you get the idea.

Ezra: Do all angels have such big teeth? 

Tannin: What is it with you mortals obsessing over looks? Do you want to meet the Messiah or not? 

Ezra: Yes please! I will record the whole thing for generations to come! Because I can read and write.

Tannin: Well whoop dee doo! Just make sure to tell them how glorious and stunning I look. Now hop on my back and I’ll give you a lift.

-A whoosh of wind and Ezra’s whoop of laughter and dog bark- 

Aref: Is this the christ child? 

Mary: Who’s asking?

Bashir: We are wise scholars from a faraway land. This is my father Aref, my son Dabeer and I am Bashir.

Dabeer: We’ve brought him gifts like gold and …

Mary: (interrupting) Come in! you are most welcome.

Joseph: Mary, isn’t that rude?

Mary: Babies are expensive and we didn’t have time to save up.  

Dabeer: Hello little one! Welcome to the world.

Aref: I have brought gold for kinship on earth.

Bashir: I have brought frankincense for his holy station.

Dabeer: And I have brought myrrh… to make him smell nice.

Mary: Thank you very much.

Joseph: (Whispering) What is a baby going to do with Myrrh? 

Mary: (Whispering) It doesn’t matter, they brought us gold. That’s his university fund covered.

-The door opens-

Ezra: I’m sorry to interrupt but, is this the right stable? I was brought here by a terrifying angel.

Mary: Did he glow?

Ezra: A bit.

Mary: Then you have the right stable. 

Dabeer: (excitedly) Wait that’s Ezra! 

Tannin: How’s it going?

Gabriel: Like a sitcom! This place is getting cramped! I don’t want to go back on the roof though! Hours I’ve been freezing my harp off up there!  But it’s all going according to plan. Thanks to you. 

Tannin: Just please don’t tell my boss. Ugh I used manners! They taste funny. 

Ezra: I can’t believe how lucky I am to see him! What are you going to call him? 

Mary: Jesus.

Aref: I had an uncle called Jesus. I was expecting something grander like Ahinoam

Dabeer: Granddad that’s a girl’s name.

Aref: I was just giving them options. 

Ezra: I don’t know how I’ll go back to minding sheep after all this excitement. 

Gabriel: (whispering) You shouldn’t go back. You should spread the word concerning what you have been told about this child.

Dabeer: Weren’t you thinking of coming with us? 

Ezra: (almost dreamlike)I think I will. I want to travel and tell this story, learn more, write everything down. Because I can write, you know.

Tannin: You never stop banging on about it. 

Ezra: Will… Will I be welcome in Persia? 

Bashir: The king does not force our religion on people. Anyone is free to worship and live how they will. 

Dabeer: As long as you pay your taxes. They don’t care who you are as long as you pay for the bins to get emptied. You could study with us if you like? 

Aref: Next week we’re learning about brain cells. 

-Music-

Scene 7

Gabriel: It’s all perfect.

Tannin: you got your Christmas present.

Gabriel: Thank you for what you did.

Tannin: Me? I didn’t do much.

Gabriel: You really did. I’ve been so sharp with you but when I needed help you came through. 

Tannin: Well don’t thank me too much. You’ll get me into trouble. Besides, I’ve got some bad news.

Gabriel: What now?

Tannin: You can’t tell anyone I told you this, they’d have two of my heads on spikes if they found out.

Gabriel: What is it? Just tell me!

Tannin: Herod has got it into his head to kill this kid. Nothing to do with me though! He only listens to Boris his most knitted law master. To be honest they’re both frayed around the edges. 

Gabriel: We have to get Mary, Joseph and the baby out of here! 

Tannin: Better do your magic dream thing then.

-Music, Coventry Carol-

Gabriel: Joseph. Arise, take the young Child and His mother, flee to Egypt, and stay there until I bring you word; for Herod will seek the Child to destroy Him.

-music stops-

Joseph: Mary, my love you have to wake up.

Mary: (groan) It’s definitely your turn!

Joseph: We have to leave. The glowing one told me we’re in danger. I don’t know why he told me. You’re the one who organises this kind of thing! 

Mary: Right. You pack our things and I’ll get him ready. 

Gabriel: Tannin, the family is on its way. Did you sort the magi?

Tannin: Yep. The whole vision business. They’re heading home the long way, via Lapland.

Gabriel: Where’s that?

Tannin: Neither heaven nor hell truly knows but we’re pretty sure Santa lives there. 

Gabriel: Ezra will be delighted! They’ll get to see much more of the world. 

Joseph: Right, let’s go! 

Mary: Aren’t you forgetting something? 

Joseph: What: 

Mary: The donkey! 

-Donkey noise- 

Tannin: Do you think they’ll be ok? 

Gabriel: Well according to prophecy they’ll meet some dragons on the way home. But they’ll be fine.

Tannin: Well this has been fun. We should do this every year. 

Gabriel: Well I’m not organising it next year! Someone else can! I’ve been rushed off my feet. 

Tannin: Its certainly ruffled your feathers. Listen Gabe, next time we’re both free do you fancy getting a drink in purgatory? 

Gabriel: It’s a bit unorthodox but I hear they make good cosmopolitan’s! I may drop in. 

Tannin: But you have to smoke outside now. 

Gabriel: Oh for the love of…

-Music- 

Credits

In ‘The Merry Nativity’ 

Gabriel was played by Catriona Scott

Tannin by Ariana Ellis

Mary by Ellis Jamieson 

Joseph by Monica Burns

Aref by Robert McCahill

Bashir by José Gonzalez

Dabeer by Ben Hall

Ezra by Ellisha O’Donnell

Herod by Mark McCartney 

And Creep by Rosie Beech

All other parts were played by members of the cast. 

This has been a Yorick Radio Production.