Radio Revelry: The Simulation

In this episode we conduct a comedic and heartfelt experiment with Dr Nikki Teagues and her girlfriend Claudia. Together they learn the best way to communicate with parental units, and each other. 

The Simulation was written by Bethany Dickens Assaf
You can hear more from her here: https://www.bethanydickens.com/

Nikki was played by Ellisha O’ Donnell

Claudia by Rosie Beech

Robot Mom by Alice Gold

Robot Dad by Mark McCaoimhin 

Transcript

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Hello and welcome to Radio Revelry, this is the show where we bring you wonderful plays to delight your imagination. 

Bethany Dickens Assaf is a freelance playwright, dramaturg, and theatre artist, and the co-founder of Whiskey Theatre Factory in Orlando, Florida. Almost 100 of her plays have been performed or read across the country including her twisty sci-fi play, The Consciousness, which was performed at 10 fringe festivals across the country and won Best Play at the Tampa Bay Theatre Festival.

The Simulation by Bethany Dickens Assaf

SFX: NIKKI clacking away on her keyboard, the general quiet of an office after hours, perhaps the buzz of electronics.

NIKKI

Let’s see… we just close the loop and… got it!

SFX: CLAUDIA opens the door to NIKKI’s office.

CLAUDIA

Babe are you almost ready? Says it’s // fifteen minutes from - 

NIKKI

Yeah! Yep. Just need to… Run this // simulation and - 

CLAUDIA

‘Run?’ What are you ‘running’? It’s five-thirty and they said to - 

NIKKI

I know I know I know – ‘Be there by six;’ But they know me; they know I’m gonna be late so it’s probably like six-thirty.

CLAUDIA

Yeah but if there’s traffic - 

NIKKI

I just want to finish this real quick. Please? 

CLAUDIA

Okay… I hate being at work past five though. It’s so quiet. Hey…um. Nik?

NIKKI

Yeah?

CLAUDIA

You sure you’re not wasting time because you’re… nervous?

NIKKI

NERVOUS? Ha! No!And I’m not wasting time, I’m actually making it so that we can go.

CLAUDIA

Because your parents know you’re gay.

NIKKI

Well… Yeeees technically… But this is the first time they’re seeing…

CLAUDIA

A girlfriend?

NIKKI

It’s all about to become very real and I just - 

CLAUDIA

They had to know this would happen eventually

NIKKI

Well I dunno. When you’re as big a nerd as me - 

CLAUDIA

Oh come on. And hey. They’re not gonna be judgy. 

NIKKI

How do you know? You don’t know them.

CLAUDIA

Well you said they were totally cool with - 

NIKKI

Actually, come to think of it: none of us really know our parents! Which brings me to my project! Ta da!

SFX: a tarp being removed - dramatically!

CLAUDIA

What the - ? Oh my god! What the Hell is - ?

NIKKI

I made them!

CLAUDIA

You made two creepy toasters with legs and antennas.

NIKKI

Yes! And programmed them with a very advanced machine learning algorithm.

CLAUDIA

This is for work?

NIKKI

Oh no! Absolutely not.

CLAUDIA

You’re gonna get fired. No, correction: you’re gonna get us BOTH fired!

NIKKI

Oh come on… no. Maybe. Probably not.But more importantly: we’re gonna get a preview of my parents’ reaction tonight. When we tell them.

CLAUDIA

Come again?

NIKKI

Well, I’ve trained these babies on everything my parents like. They’ve been absorbing South Korean soap operas, America’s Funniest Home Videos, and beer commercials for the best twenty-four hours. Not to mention their social media profiles.

CLAUDIA

So wait wait wait. You did this just to run a simulation - 

NIKKI

Which is gonna go great. And then I’m gonna feel extra comfy and prepared and we can go out there and be on time!

CLAUDIA

So you are nervous.

NIKKI

No! Just - Prepared. Okay, let me boot ‘em up.

CLAUDIA

I just don’t honestly see how I can - How I can hold a conversation with these MS300 rejects? I mean did you HAVE to put googly eyes on them?

SFX: robots ‘coming to life:’ whirring, clanking.

CLAUDIA (Cont’d)

Oh! Oh my god!

NIKKI

They’re alive!

CLAUDIA

Oh no, I do not like this at all!

SFX NOTE: ‘Mom’ and ‘Dad’ speak with creepy robot-voices.

‘MOM’

Who wants a taste of piiie?

CLAUDIA

And nope to that

‘DAD’

I have - I have - I have been working on my fantasy picks all day today

NIKKI

That’s nice. Hey…Mom…and Dad.Do you know who I am?

‘MOM’

Tom Bergeron.

NIKKI

Uh no, guess again.

‘DAD’

Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom

CLAUDIA

Oh god, make it stop.

NIKKI

It’s Nikki! Right?

Beat.

MOM & DAD

NIKIIIIII

MOM

You look so

ITALIAN

DAD

Is your car running okay?

NIKKI

Yes my car’s fine and -  Thanks Mom - I have some big news. An announcement!

MOM

PREGNANT

DAD

PREGNANT

MOM

PREGNANT

CLAUDIA

Why are they saying it like that?

NIKKI

(aside; to CLAUDIA) I don’t know, it’s really freaky. Uh guys? GUYS get away from the printer… I’m not pregnant. I’m actually - I wanted to introduce you to my girlfriend. This is Claudia.

Awkward beat. 

NIKKI (Cont’d)

Claudia say hi…

CLAUDIA

Uh no fucking way. Why are they just staring // at us?

NIKKI

Just say it. Please.

CLAUDIA

Um. Hi.

Longer, even more awkward beat than before.

CLAUDIA (Cont’d)

What… is happening?

NIKKI

I don’t - 

SFX: sudden, scary sound of sparks, buzzing, whirring!

NIKKI (Cont’d)

Holy shit!

CLAUDIA

Sparks! Sparks everywhere!

DAD

Look at this.

CLAUDIA

Yeah let’s shut her down before she singes the // carpet

DAD

Look at what you’ve done. You’ve killed your mother

NIKKI

WHAT?!

DAD

You caused permanent cessation of all functions.

SFX: NIKKI clacking at the computer urgently.

CLAUDIA

That’s ridiculous.

NIKKI

No; it’s true; total circuit failure!

DAD

Look at this mess. Your mother is all over the carpet.

CLAUDIA

Can you shut him off?!

SFX: slam of a button and ‘Dad’ powers down slowly, trailing off:

DAD

This is how you repay her love and support and all the peas she made you…

CLAUDIA

Jesus.

NIKKI

I know. Jesus. We can’t see my parents tonight.

CLAUDIA

Are you serious?!

NIKKI

Didn’t you see how that WENT?!

CLAUDIA

No! No, I saw two freaky robots that you made with scrap metal shoot sparks out of exposed wiring! 

NIKKI

But they’re programming to be my parents. So this is how they’re gonna react!

CLAUDIA

Short-circuiting?

NIKKI

Yeah! Maybe. Metaphorically. Oh, // I don’t know

CLAUDIA

C’mon Nikki, this is the furthest possible thing from a valid simulation. And you know that! Where did you even get this extension cord? It’s got duct tape in three places!

NIKKI

I salvaged it from the trash… Didn’t want to use any of the companies’ actual stuff.

CLAUDIA

Holy shit. Babe… How long have you been working on this?

NIKKI

… three months.

CLAUDIA

Three - ? So since we started dating?

NIKKI

Basically since you started working here. And …Talking to me. I just knew you were special and so this was always on the horizon. And I don’t know; I just wanted to feel BETTER about it. My parents are really - Really private and I can never tell what they’re thinking, and yeah, they seemed supportive when I said I was into girls, but maybe they thought it was a phase, or - 

CLAUDIA

Well have you had any follow-up // conversations, or - ?

NIKKI

Don’t - Don’t make it sound easy. Okay? 

CLAUDIA

You’re right. I’m sorry. 

SFX: machines start whirring to life again

CLAUDIA (Cont’d)

Oh god, they’re waking up.

NIKKI

I didn’t - How?

CLAUDIA

AHHHH

NIKKI

Oh no wait wait- I just had them in a two minute shutdown. I’ll turn them off again

DAD

It’s Nikki!

MOM

There’s our little girl.

NIKKI

Oh wow! They recognized me this time! They’re learning!

CLAUDIA

I’m not sure that’s a good thing…

NIKKI

Oh babe, can I just talk to them? For one second?Please?

CLAUDIA

(torn - hates the robots, but feels bad for NIKKI)

I - Ugh. Okay, just for - 

MOM

We’re so thrilled about your PREGNANCY

DAD

All humans should havePREGNANCY

CLAUDIA

Wow, they really got that on their minds.

NIKKI

Yeah! On a related topic: would you guys like to hear about the person I’m dating?

CLAUDIA

Uh, why is that a related // topic?

MOM

Yes. We hope it is TOM BERGERON

NIKKI

Close! I’m actually dating… Claudia! This is Claudia. She’s my girlfriend.

Another beat.

CLAUDIA

Oh boy…

MOM

I have a coupon // I have a good coupon for you.

DAD

You should try this space heater.

NIKKI

Uh, what is happening?

DAD

My space heater is good for my Digestion.

MOM

Are you eating enough for your Digestion?

CLAUDIA

I think they’re changing the subject.

NIKKI

Mom. Dad. Did you not hear about - ?

MOM

I have some CELERY AND PIZZA In my purse.

DAD

I have a kazoo in my Purse.

NIKKI

But it’s really important that you get to know Claudia. She’s really great and - 

MOM

You know what’s great? PICTIONARY

DAD

Let’s play the Pictionary!

SFX: squeaking sounds as the robots gyrate.

CLAUDIA

What are they doing? Are they… DANCING?

NIKKI

I… think you were right. I think they’re in total denial.

DAD

What shape am I making? Somebody guess!

MOM

SWEET POTATO. SWEET POTATO SHAPE.

CLAUDIA

Okay can we shut // them down now?

NIKKI

Yeah; yes; doing that riiiight…

SFX: Sound of robots powering down, ‘Mom’ trails off:

MOM

Does anyone want to guess how much I spent on this sweater just a hint I used couponnnnns…

CLAUDIA

Thank god.

NIKKI

Yeah.

CLAUDIA

What did you say you trained them on?

NIKKI

Social media feeds! TV shows they like. Lots of data points. And my mom does love coupons.

CLAUDIA

Okay, and is that how they play Pictionary?

NIKKI

Sometimes. When the pictures aren’t working. They get frustrated and jump up and down.

CLAUDIA

I still don’t think that means anything.

NIKKI

Well, I estimated that it’s ninety-eight percent accurate.

CLAUDIA

NINETY - what?! No. Given what we’ve seen?! They’re barely functional!

NIKKI

But it’s SOMETHING, Which is better than the horrible, horrible unknowns…

CLAUDIA

… This is really bumming you out, isn’t it?

NIKKI

I just wanted to hear these stupid robots say it was all okay. And then I could… maybe imagine my parents saying it. And being cool. Being better than cool! Being excited for me. 

CLAUDIA

But your parents are your parents. They have inputs these robots could never have.

NIKKI

Oh my god would you STOP?! Stop pretending?! Like you know?! You don’t.

CLAUDIA

Okay fine. Fine. Maybe I - Maybe I don’t get it. But I’m kinda sick of being treated like - Like our relationship is this big, catastrophic stressor in your life. 

NIKKI

(crabby)

It’s not. It’s wonderful. I really really like you. Darn - Stupid - I like you so much!

CLAUDIA

I like you too!

NIKKI

And I’m sorry I’m like this. But…

CLAUDIA

Yeah? … Nik, you can talk to me.

NIKKI

No I can’t. Ugh, I’m too much - 

CLAUDIA

You’re not. And I’m sorry I was so… freaked out before. I should try and be more understanding.

NIKKI

Really?

CLAUDIA

Sure. I mean it’s cute… in a way. You went to all this trouble because you want your parents to like me. You want this to go well. It’s sweet. 

NIKKI

Claudia… I have really bad anxiety.

CLAUDIA

Okay.

NIKKI

Like I’m not saying it to be funny or flippant or like I don’t - I’m - So: Last year I was diagnosed. And it helped me figure out why I’m… this way. And that was nice. But also scary because it’s part of me and I’m not just having a bad day when I’m like this. It’s not a feature or a bug it just…is. And I hope you can be okay with that.

CLAUDIA

Oh, Nik. Oh my god. Of course I’m - Of course I’m gonna support you, and I accept you one hundred percent.

NIKKI

Really?

CLAUDIA

And hey. Boot up your parents.

NIKKI

Wha - ? Really?

CLAUDIA

Yeah. I get something to say to them.

NIKKI

Alrighty!

SFX: whirring of robots coming back to life.

CLAUDIA

Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Teagues. It’s so nice to meet you. I’m Claudia. I’m Nikki’s girlfriend. And before you say anything, I just want you to know: I care about and respect your daughter very much. She’s a really talented data scientist and she’s funny, cute, so good at Pictionary – which I guess is a thing for you all – and honestly I can see this lasting a long time because guess what? I’m in love with Nikki…

SFX: sounds of CLAUDIA powering down

CLAUDIA (Cont’d)

… and we might even have those kids // you keep asking for at some point…

NIKKI

What? Claudia? Oh shoot. The extension cord. Holy shit. Were we about to get engaged?!

MOM

(shuddering a bit as THEY power down)

I like her.

DAD

I like her a lot.

MOM

Good energy.

DAD

Nice HAIR

MOM

Nice NOSE RING

NIKKI

Wait wait wait! You really…? Yeah? You really like her?

DAD

Thumbs-up, kiddo!

MOM

(with her last gasp of power)

You just seem so happy and that’s all that matters to us…

NIKKI

Wow. Amazing. Thanks, guys. Let me just get you under this tarp…

SFX: CLAUDIA entering again.

CLAUDIA

Babe are you almost ready? Says it’s fifteen minutes // from - 

NIKKI

Yeah! Yep. I’m excited!

CLAUDIA

(surprised by how excited)

Really? Okay! You just seemed so nervous earlier, I was wondering - 

NIKKI

I was. I am. But I’ve got you. So it’s all good.

CLAUDIA

Aw that’s so // sweet.

NIKKI

There is something I wanted to tell you. On the way over. But it’s - 

CLAUDIA

Is it about what you’re working on? Can I take a peek? // Just a quick - 

NIKKI

No no no, don’t - That’s top secret work stuff.

CLAUDIA

Is it good or - ?

NIKKI

Oh, it's totally good. I’m ninety-eight percent positive. It’ll be just fine.

CLAUDIA

Okay - ninety-eight percent? What, because you ran some sort of simulation?

NIKKI

No…because I know you. And I love you.

CLAUDIA 

Wow. Okay.

NIKKI

Oh crap, was that too soon? Because in the simulation - Ohhhh I should have - I should have run that contingency, I was going to - 

CLAUDIA

It’s okay!It’s totally - I love you too, Nikki.

MOM

AND I LOVE YOU TOM TA TOM TOM TOM

CLAUDIA

What the hell // was that?

NIKKI

Nothing! Nothing! Let’s get out of here.

MOM

AND REMEMBER, IF YOU GET IT ON TAPE YOU COULD GET IT IN CASH!

GOODNIGHT, FOLKS!

Thank you so much for listening. In The Simulation by Bethany Dickens Assaf

Nikki was played by Ellisha O’ Donnell

Claudia by Rosie Beech

Robot Mom by Alice Gold

and Robot Dad by Mark McCaoimhin 

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