Hello and welcome to Radio Revelry, this is the show where we bring you wonderful plays to delight your imagination.
Matt Hanf is a nationally and internationally produced playwright from Elk Grove, CA, a small suburb of Walmart. By day he is a high school teacher and uber for three kids, and by night he is Playwright MAN! He would like to thank the director and the cast for breathing life into these words and allowing him to be a part of their vision.
Animals Switching into Servants. Collective Bargaining 101 by Matt Hanf.
(sound of squeaking—a magic wand’s poof)
Fairy Godmother
Perfect
Footman
Perfect? I need a mirror…You…big lady
Fairy Godmother
I don’t think big is…
Footman
MIRROR! (sound of magic —he grabs mirror) Seriously…a footman…you turned me into a footman?
Fairy Godmother
You used to be a mouse. This is an upgrade. Now come on. The ball is in–
Footman
Well,it is an upgrade…if you're a human…a gawky, slow moving bipedal hunk of hairlessness. Look…look at this. No tail. Look at me move. (sound of ambling footsteps) Does this look like a scurry to you? You know what it is? An amble. I amble. I’m an ambler.
Fairy Godmother
I’m sorry. I’ll pick you up some running shoes and you can start the paleo diet tomorrow. Now let's go. We have to help Cinderel–
Footman
Running shoes? Cause I'm a footman. Right? A foot…man. A man whose whole purpose in life is feet…. I want to be the horse.
Fairy Godmother
You can't. I turned the dog into the horse. It's nearly midnight. We have to…
Footman
Oh yeah, four legged creature to big four legged creature– real creative stretch there. I want to be the horse. You're magic. Just twiddle-dee-horse-me.
Fairy Godmother
Listen… footman. The average mouse lives for one year in the wild. Everyone eats you. You’re nature’s Cheetos. I just increased your life span, your place on the food chain and your wardrobe. Now get in the stinking coach and take care of some feet! Cinderella needs–… What is it? What is it?
Footman
(dramatic pause and sound of three foosteps) I …lost… a thymus.
Fairy Godmother
Look in your coat pocket. Now––
Footman
I used to have two thymus….es…thymi? I lost…one of them. You took it. You took my thymi!
Fairy Godmother
I don’t even know what a thymus is. Would you just get–
Footman
Don’t even know? How could you…you …you have one. Ok. I get it. You're a fairy Godmother, so most likely you got some type of liberal arts degree – maybe online school or something. So, I'll talk slowly. It's a wittle thingy in your body that helps you not get sick.
Fairy Godmother
Fine. I'll give you an immunity spell. Now just get in the–
Footman
Can you make me immune to the inherent class bias in your system? Because not only did I lose a thymus, I don’t see my chances of mating even comparing to my mouse days.
Fairy Godmother
You’re not… ugly. And beauty is only skin deep and love knows no boundaries. You’ll be fine.
Footman
Fine…but not refined. I’m a footman. Who’s in my wheelhouse now? The poor. The lame. The poor and the lame. You know why? Cause I’m a footman. Cinderella gets to go to the ball, but only because her stepmother was in the upper class. Me, a lowly footman, what balls will I get to enjoy? I will never know the feeling of balls, the joy and excitement of my first ball, the confidence that comes with my next ball. Balls are something I'll never get to embrace, unlike Cinderella who puts on a pretty dress and bingo – she's got her hands full of balls.
Fairy Godmother
Enough! Call them dances!
Footman
But they're–
Fairy Godmother
DANCES!
Footman
Fine. I want to go to the dance.
Fairy Godmother
Fine…you can go to the dance…
Footman
In a nice dress.
Fairy Godmother
You're a man.
Footman
And it starts all over again. You're a footman… so take care of my feet and stay away from my balls. Now I'm a MAN so get out of my dress.
Fairy Godmother
No… it’s just. Men don’t wear dresses. They wear pants.
Footman
I don’t believe you. I bet you have pants on underneath that dress right now.
Fairy Godmother
I don’t.
Footman
You do too. Under pants. That’s what they call them. I’ve heard the phrase: I’ve seen London and I’ve seen France and something-something underpants. And I bet you’re wearing them right now.
Fairy Godmother
I… am… not.
Footman
Show me.
Fairy Godmother
I will not!
Footman
It’s because I’m just a footman. If I was rich, I’d be checking out your underpants right now.
Fairy Godmother
No you wouldn’t! And I’m not– it’s not your business what’s underneath my dress!
Footman
Sure. I bet you let a prince or a duke look.You’d probably even let the coach driver cause he’s got a sweet set of wheels, but not the footman. He’s just a FOOT man. He doesn’t even have a thymus. You can’t see my underpants, Mr. FOOTman. Oh hi, Prince. Want to see my underpants?
Fairy Godmother
No.No,it’s not…this is off limits to everyone.
Footman
Your belly?
Fairy Godmother
No…this area.
Footman
Your knees?
Fairy Godmother
No just…any of my under region is off limits to everyone.
Footman
Oh. I see. You’re a nun.
Fairy Godmother
No, I didn’t mean…Listen, Mouse. You need to get into that coach and get Cinderella to the ball–dance, or I'll turn you into–
Union rep
(sound of coach door slamming) Excuse me. Hi…I'm Pig slash doorman, union rep for animal switching to servants 101.
Footman
Now you've done it. My Asis ((pronounced asses) rep is here.
Fairy Godmother
Your…
Footman
Animals Switching into Servants local 101…my Asis rep.
Union Rep
Pig Slash Doorman—you can call me Slash. No relation.
Fairy Godmother
Oh for the love of…
Union Rep
(papers rustle) I don't remember in any of our collective bargaining agreements you being allowed to threaten our members, or take their thymuses for your own personal gain.
Fairy Godmother
I didn't take his thymus!
Union Rep
Well…he doesn't have it. I don't have it. You're looking awfully healthy for a woman of your age.
Fairy Godmother
Of my–
Footman
She told me she doesn’t wear underpants.
Union Rep
You told him what? That’s harassment. She just told you that? Did you feel uncomfortable?
Footman
Very…
Fairy Godmother
I did not! He asked. It wasn’t like that.
Footman
(whispers) Mess with the Asis and you get the horns.
Fairy Godmother
He is… This is––
Footman
Then she told me that nothing goes on around this region here… I felt like she was implying a quid pro quo.
Fairy Godmother
You…I did not…Listen. I have to get Cinderella to the ba–…dance.
Footman
She doesn’t like balls.
Union Rep
These are some serious allegations, Ma’am (sound of poof)
Fairy Godmother
Do not MA’AM me!
Union rep
I see. So you’ve turned me back into a pig… as if my transformation will somehow wipe out the fact you use privilege to take advantage of young mice.
Footman
Disgusting.
Fairy Godmother
Ok… I see what’s going on here. This is a shakedown. Fine. What do you want? Is it a thermos or whatever internal organ it is? A date with a princess? There’s not many left. How about a Kardashian? They’re richer. So tell me what you want so I can get Cinderella to the dance to find her love, get her happily ever after, and do it all before midnight.
Union rep
I see. So this is about overtime. You want him to work twice as hard so you don't have to pay him overtime. Typical management.
Fairy Godmother
So it's money. You want money? I can give you money. (magic poof and the sound of coins)
Footman
You can’t buy me off and make me go away. It's not about the money. I'm not just some lawyer you can chase away with a settlement. I want my dignity back. I want you to not assume that everyone who isn't you wants to be you. I didn't ask to be a human. I was a mouse. Sure my life was shorter and my balls were less impressive–
Fairy Godmother
DANCES!
Footman
But I was a mouse and I loved being a mouse. I had two thymuses…i…um. thymum, a massive tail and I could chew through metal if I had the urge. And now what am I? A servant. A tall, thymusless servant to a girl whose only qualification to be in a higher social class than I, is her inability to stand up for herself. I'm a tool, a shovel, an instrument in your sick games. If you prick me, do I not bleed? If you say the word prick, do I not giggle. If people giggle at my prick, do I not–
Union Rep
Getting off topic.
Footman
What do I want? What do I want? I want my life back. I want my thymus back. I want balls!
Fairy Godmother
How about if I make you the horse?
Footman
That works. (magic poof). Now that’s what I’m talking about.
Union rep
So… that was a successful negotiation. I uh, I appreciate your time and would be amenable to being turned back into a human.
Fairy Godmother
Fine (magic poof) Great. Now. Let's get Cinderella to the…dance, so she can meet–
Union rep
(sound of horse) Wait. Uh huh…Yeah…dog wants to know why the mouse got to be horse. Something about seniority and––
Fairy Godmother
That's it. I'm done. Cinderella can take the subway. I’m out. (magic poof)
Footman
Management.
Union Rep
No kidding. No rights with em; no job without em.
Thank you so much for listening
Animals Switching into servants. Collective Bargaining 101 was written by Matt Hanf
The Footman was played by Catriona Scott
The Fairy Godmother by Ellis Jamison
And the Union Rep by Rosie Beech
The music was Merry Go by Kevin Macleod.
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