Radio Revelry: Animals Switching into Servants. Collective Bargaining 101

Content warning for raunchy humour and innuendo.

In this episode of Radio Revelry we are delighted to present a wonderful comic play by Matt Hanf.

Cinderella is a classic fairytale that has been told in different ways all over the world. This time the mice have a bone to pick with the Fairy Godmother. Get ready to take on the injustice of the class system, find out exactly what a thymus is, and tackle far too many balls!

Animals Switching into servants. Collective Bargaining 101 was written by Matt Hanf

The Footman was played by Catriona Scott
The Fairy Godmother by Ellis Jamieson
And the Union Rep by Rosie Beech
The music was Merry Go by Kevin Macleod.

Transcript

Hello and welcome to Radio Revelry, this is the show where we bring you wonderful plays to delight your imagination. 

Matt Hanf is a nationally and internationally produced playwright from Elk Grove, CA, a small suburb of Walmart.  By day he is a high school teacher and  uber for three kids, and by night he is Playwright MAN! He would like to thank the director and the cast for breathing life into these words and allowing him to be a part of their vision.

Animals Switching into Servants. Collective Bargaining 101 by Matt Hanf.

(sound of squeaking—a magic wand’s poof)

Fairy Godmother

Perfect

Footman

Perfect?  I need a mirror…You…big lady

Fairy Godmother

I don’t think big is…

Footman

MIRROR!    (sound of magic  —he grabs mirror)  Seriously…a footman…you turned me into a footman?

Fairy Godmother

You used to be a mouse.  This is an upgrade.  Now come on.  The ball is in–

Footman

Well,it is an upgrade…if you're a human…a gawky, slow moving bipedal hunk of hairlessness.  Look…look at this. No tail. Look at me move. (sound of ambling footsteps)    Does this look like a scurry to you?  You know what it is?  An amble. I amble. I’m an ambler. 

Fairy Godmother

I’m sorry.  I’ll pick you up some running shoes and you can start the paleo diet tomorrow.  Now let's go. We have to help Cinderel–

Footman

Running shoes? Cause I'm a footman. Right?  A foot…man.  A man whose whole purpose in life is feet….  I want to be the horse.

Fairy Godmother

You can't.  I turned the dog into the horse.  It's nearly midnight. We have to…

Footman

Oh yeah, four legged creature to big four legged creature– real creative stretch there.  I want to be the horse.  You're magic.  Just twiddle-dee-horse-me.

Fairy Godmother

Listen… footman.  The average mouse lives for one year in the wild.  Everyone eats you. You’re nature’s Cheetos.  I just increased your life span, your place on the food chain and your wardrobe.  Now get in the stinking coach and take care of some feet!  Cinderella needs–… What is it? What is it?

Footman

(dramatic pause and sound of three foosteps) I …lost… a thymus.

Fairy Godmother

Look in your coat pocket.  Now––

Footman

I used to have two thymus….es…thymi?  I lost…one of them.  You took it. You took my thymi!

Fairy Godmother

I don’t even know what a thymus is.  Would you just get–

Footman

Don’t even know? How could you…you …you have one.  Ok.  I get it. You're a fairy Godmother, so most likely you got some type of liberal arts degree – maybe online school or something.  So, I'll talk slowly.  It's a wittle thingy in your body that helps you not get sick.

Fairy Godmother

Fine.  I'll give you an immunity spell. Now just get in the–

Footman

Can you make me immune to the inherent class bias in your system?  Because not only did I lose a thymus, I don’t see my chances of mating even comparing to my mouse days.  

Fairy Godmother

You’re not… ugly.  And beauty is only skin deep and love knows no boundaries.  You’ll be fine.

Footman

Fine…but not refined.  I’m a footman. Who’s in my wheelhouse now?  The poor.  The lame.  The poor and the lame.  You know why?  Cause I’m a footman.  Cinderella gets to go to the ball, but only because her stepmother was in the upper class.  Me, a lowly footman, what balls will I get to enjoy? I will never know the feeling of balls, the joy and excitement of my first ball, the confidence that comes with my next ball. Balls are something I'll never get to embrace, unlike Cinderella who puts on a pretty dress and bingo – she's got her hands full of balls.

Fairy Godmother

Enough!  Call them dances!

Footman

But they're–

Fairy Godmother

DANCES!

Footman

Fine.  I want to go to the dance.

Fairy Godmother

Fine…you can go to the dance…

Footman

In a nice dress.

Fairy Godmother

You're a man.

Footman

And it starts all over again.  You're a footman… so take care of my feet and stay away from my balls.  Now I'm a MAN so get out of my dress.

Fairy Godmother

No… it’s just. Men don’t wear dresses. They wear pants.

Footman

I don’t believe you.  I bet you have pants on underneath that dress right now.  

Fairy Godmother

I don’t.

Footman

You do too.  Under pants.  That’s what they call them.  I’ve heard the phrase: I’ve seen London and I’ve seen France and something-something underpants.  And I bet you’re wearing them right now.

Fairy Godmother

I… am… not.

Footman

Show me.

Fairy Godmother

I will not!

Footman

It’s because I’m just a footman.  If I was rich, I’d be checking out your underpants right now.

Fairy Godmother

No you wouldn’t! And I’m not– it’s not your business what’s underneath my dress!

Footman

Sure. I bet you let a prince or a duke look.You’d probably even let the coach driver cause he’s got a sweet set of wheels, but not the footman.  He’s just a FOOT man. He doesn’t even have a thymus.  You can’t see my underpants, Mr. FOOTman. Oh hi, Prince. Want to see my underpants?

Fairy Godmother

No.No,it’s not…this is off limits to everyone.

Footman

Your belly?

Fairy Godmother

No…this area.

Footman

Your knees?

Fairy Godmother

No just…any of my under region is off limits to everyone.

Footman

Oh.  I see.  You’re a nun.

Fairy Godmother

No, I didn’t mean…Listen, Mouse.  You need to get into that coach and get Cinderella to the ball–dance, or I'll turn you into–

Union rep

(sound of coach door slamming) Excuse me.  Hi…I'm Pig slash doorman, union rep for animal switching to servants 101.

Footman

Now you've done it.  My Asis ((pronounced asses)  rep is here.

Fairy Godmother

Your…

Footman

Animals Switching into Servants local 101…my Asis rep.

Union Rep

Pig Slash Doorman—you can call me Slash. No relation.

Fairy Godmother

Oh for the love of…

Union Rep

(papers rustle) I don't remember in any of our collective bargaining agreements you being allowed to threaten our members, or take their thymuses for your own personal gain.

Fairy Godmother

I didn't take his thymus!

  Union Rep

Well…he doesn't have it.  I don't have it.  You're looking awfully healthy for a woman of your age.

Fairy Godmother

Of my–

Footman

She told me she doesn’t wear underpants.

Union Rep 

You told him what?  That’s harassment.  She just told you that?  Did you feel uncomfortable?

Footman

Very…

Fairy Godmother

I did not! He asked. It wasn’t like that.

Footman

(whispers) Mess with the Asis and you get the horns.

Fairy Godmother

He is… This is––

Footman

Then she told me that nothing goes on around this region here… I felt like she was implying a quid pro quo.  

Fairy Godmother

You…I did not…Listen. I have to get Cinderella to the ba–…dance.

Footman

She doesn’t like balls.

Union Rep

These are some serious allegations,  Ma’am (sound of poof)

Fairy Godmother

Do not MA’AM me!

Union rep

I see.  So you’ve turned me back into a pig… as if my transformation will somehow wipe out the fact you use privilege to take advantage of young mice.

Footman

Disgusting.

Fairy Godmother

Ok… I see what’s going on here.  This is a shakedown.  Fine.  What do you want?  Is it a thermos or whatever internal organ it is? A date with a princess? There’s not many left. How about a Kardashian? They’re richer. So tell me what you want so I can get Cinderella to the dance to find her love, get her happily ever after, and do it all before midnight.

Union rep

I see.  So this is about overtime. You want him to work twice as hard so you don't have to pay him overtime.  Typical management.

Fairy Godmother

So it's money.  You want money? I can give you money. (magic poof and the sound of coins)

Footman

You can’t buy me off and make me go away.  It's not about the money.  I'm not just some lawyer you can chase away with a settlement.  I want my dignity back.  I want you to not assume that everyone who isn't you wants to be you.  I didn't ask to be a human.  I was a mouse.  Sure my life was shorter and my balls were less impressive–

Fairy Godmother

DANCES!

Footman

But I was a mouse and I loved being a mouse.  I had two thymuses…i…um.  thymum, a massive tail and I could chew through metal if I had the urge.  And now what am I?  A servant.  A tall, thymusless servant to a girl whose only qualification to be in a higher social class than I, is her inability to stand up for herself.   I'm a tool, a shovel, an instrument in your sick games.  If you prick me, do I not bleed?  If you say the word prick, do I not giggle.  If people giggle at my prick, do I not–

Union Rep

Getting off topic.

Footman

What do I want?  What do I want?  I want my life back.  I want my thymus back.  I want balls!

Fairy Godmother

How about if I make you the horse?

Footman

That works.  (magic poof). Now that’s what I’m talking about.

Union rep

So… that was a successful negotiation.  I uh, I appreciate your time and would be amenable to being turned back into a human.

Fairy Godmother

Fine (magic poof) Great.  Now.  Let's get Cinderella to the…dance, so she can meet–

Union rep

 (sound of horse) Wait.  Uh huh…Yeah…dog wants to know why the mouse got to be horse.  Something about seniority and––

Fairy Godmother

That's it.  I'm done. Cinderella can take the subway. I’m out. (magic poof)

Footman

Management.  

Union Rep

No kidding.  No rights with em; no job without em.

Thank you so much for listening 

Animals Switching into servants. Collective Bargaining 101 was written by Matt Hanf

The Footman was played by Catriona Scott

The Fairy Godmother by Ellis Jamison 

And the Union Rep by Rosie Beech

The music was Merry Go by Kevin Macleod.

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