In this episode we conduct a comedic and heartfelt experiment with Dr Nikki Teagues and her girlfriend Claudia. Together they learn the best way to communicate with parental units, and each other.
The Simulation was written by Bethany Dickens Assaf
You can hear more from her here: https://www.bethanydickens.com/
Nikki was played by Ellisha O’ Donnell
Claudia by Rosie Beech
Robot Mom by Alice Gold
Robot Dad by Mark McCaoimhin
In this episode we conduct a comedic and heartfelt experiment with Dr Nikki Teagues and her girlfriend Claudia. Together they learn the best way to communicate with parental units, and each other.
The Simulation was written by Bethany Dickens Assaf
You can hear more from her here: https://www.bethanydickens.com/
Nikki was played by Ellisha O’ Donnell
Claudia by Rosie Beech
Robot Mom by Alice Gold
Robot Dad by Mark McCaoimhin
Hello and welcome to Radio Revelry, this is the show where we bring you wonderful plays to delight your imagination.
Bethany Dickens Assaf is a freelance playwright, dramaturg, and theatre artist, and the co-founder of Whiskey Theatre Factory in Orlando, Florida. Almost 100 of her plays have been performed or read across the country including her twisty sci-fi play, The Consciousness, which was performed at 10 fringe festivals across the country and won Best Play at the Tampa Bay Theatre Festival.
The Simulation by Bethany Dickens Assaf
SFX: NIKKI clacking away on her keyboard, the general quiet of an office after hours, perhaps the buzz of electronics.
NIKKI
Let’s see… we just close the loop and… got it!
SFX: CLAUDIA opens the door to NIKKI’s office.
CLAUDIA
Babe are you almost ready? Says it’s // fifteen minutes from -
NIKKI
Yeah! Yep. Just need to… Run this // simulation and -
CLAUDIA
‘Run?’ What are you ‘running’? It’s five-thirty and they said to -
NIKKI
I know I know I know – ‘Be there by six;’ But they know me; they know I’m gonna be late so it’s probably like six-thirty.
CLAUDIA
Yeah but if there’s traffic -
NIKKI
I just want to finish this real quick. Please?
CLAUDIA
Okay… I hate being at work past five though. It’s so quiet. Hey…um. Nik?
NIKKI
Yeah?
CLAUDIA
You sure you’re not wasting time because you’re… nervous?
NIKKI
NERVOUS? Ha! No!And I’m not wasting time, I’m actually making it so that we can go.
CLAUDIA
Because your parents know you’re gay.
NIKKI
Well… Yeeees technically… But this is the first time they’re seeing…
CLAUDIA
A girlfriend?
NIKKI
It’s all about to become very real and I just -
CLAUDIA
They had to know this would happen eventually
NIKKI
Well I dunno. When you’re as big a nerd as me -
CLAUDIA
Oh come on. And hey. They’re not gonna be judgy.
NIKKI
How do you know? You don’t know them.
CLAUDIA
Well you said they were totally cool with -
NIKKI
Actually, come to think of it: none of us really know our parents! Which brings me to my project! Ta da!
SFX: a tarp being removed - dramatically!
CLAUDIA
What the - ? Oh my god! What the Hell is - ?
NIKKI
I made them!
CLAUDIA
You made two creepy toasters with legs and antennas.
NIKKI
Yes! And programmed them with a very advanced machine learning algorithm.
CLAUDIA
This is for work?
NIKKI
Oh no! Absolutely not.
CLAUDIA
You’re gonna get fired. No, correction: you’re gonna get us BOTH fired!
NIKKI
Oh come on… no. Maybe. Probably not.But more importantly: we’re gonna get a preview of my parents’ reaction tonight. When we tell them.
CLAUDIA
Come again?
NIKKI
Well, I’ve trained these babies on everything my parents like. They’ve been absorbing South Korean soap operas, America’s Funniest Home Videos, and beer commercials for the best twenty-four hours. Not to mention their social media profiles.
CLAUDIA
So wait wait wait. You did this just to run a simulation -
NIKKI
Which is gonna go great. And then I’m gonna feel extra comfy and prepared and we can go out there and be on time!
CLAUDIA
So you are nervous.
NIKKI
No! Just - Prepared. Okay, let me boot ‘em up.
CLAUDIA
I just don’t honestly see how I can - How I can hold a conversation with these MS300 rejects? I mean did you HAVE to put googly eyes on them?
SFX: robots ‘coming to life:’ whirring, clanking.
CLAUDIA (Cont’d)
Oh! Oh my god!
NIKKI
They’re alive!
CLAUDIA
Oh no, I do not like this at all!
SFX NOTE: ‘Mom’ and ‘Dad’ speak with creepy robot-voices.
‘MOM’
Who wants a taste of piiie?
CLAUDIA
And nope to that
‘DAD’
I have - I have - I have been working on my fantasy picks all day today
NIKKI
That’s nice. Hey…Mom…and Dad.Do you know who I am?
‘MOM’
Tom Bergeron.
NIKKI
Uh no, guess again.
‘DAD’
Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom
CLAUDIA
Oh god, make it stop.
NIKKI
It’s Nikki! Right?
Beat.
MOM & DAD
NIKIIIIII
MOM
You look so
ITALIAN
DAD
Is your car running okay?
NIKKI
Yes my car’s fine and - Thanks Mom - I have some big news. An announcement!
MOM
PREGNANT
DAD
PREGNANT
MOM
PREGNANT
CLAUDIA
Why are they saying it like that?
NIKKI
(aside; to CLAUDIA) I don’t know, it’s really freaky. Uh guys? GUYS get away from the printer… I’m not pregnant. I’m actually - I wanted to introduce you to my girlfriend. This is Claudia.
Awkward beat.
NIKKI (Cont’d)
Claudia say hi…
CLAUDIA
Uh no fucking way. Why are they just staring // at us?
NIKKI
Just say it. Please.
CLAUDIA
Um. Hi.
Longer, even more awkward beat than before.
CLAUDIA (Cont’d)
What… is happening?
NIKKI
I don’t -
SFX: sudden, scary sound of sparks, buzzing, whirring!
NIKKI (Cont’d)
Holy shit!
CLAUDIA
Sparks! Sparks everywhere!
DAD
Look at this.
CLAUDIA
Yeah let’s shut her down before she singes the // carpet
DAD
Look at what you’ve done. You’ve killed your mother
NIKKI
WHAT?!
DAD
You caused permanent cessation of all functions.
SFX: NIKKI clacking at the computer urgently.
CLAUDIA
That’s ridiculous.
NIKKI
No; it’s true; total circuit failure!
DAD
Look at this mess. Your mother is all over the carpet.
CLAUDIA
Can you shut him off?!
SFX: slam of a button and ‘Dad’ powers down slowly, trailing off:
DAD
This is how you repay her love and support and all the peas she made you…
CLAUDIA
Jesus.
NIKKI
I know. Jesus. We can’t see my parents tonight.
CLAUDIA
Are you serious?!
NIKKI
Didn’t you see how that WENT?!
CLAUDIA
No! No, I saw two freaky robots that you made with scrap metal shoot sparks out of exposed wiring!
NIKKI
But they’re programming to be my parents. So this is how they’re gonna react!
CLAUDIA
Short-circuiting?
NIKKI
Yeah! Maybe. Metaphorically. Oh, // I don’t know
CLAUDIA
C’mon Nikki, this is the furthest possible thing from a valid simulation. And you know that! Where did you even get this extension cord? It’s got duct tape in three places!
NIKKI
I salvaged it from the trash… Didn’t want to use any of the companies’ actual stuff.
CLAUDIA
Holy shit. Babe… How long have you been working on this?
NIKKI
… three months.
CLAUDIA
Three - ? So since we started dating?
NIKKI
Basically since you started working here. And …Talking to me. I just knew you were special and so this was always on the horizon. And I don’t know; I just wanted to feel BETTER about it. My parents are really - Really private and I can never tell what they’re thinking, and yeah, they seemed supportive when I said I was into girls, but maybe they thought it was a phase, or -
CLAUDIA
Well have you had any follow-up // conversations, or - ?
NIKKI
Don’t - Don’t make it sound easy. Okay?
CLAUDIA
You’re right. I’m sorry.
SFX: machines start whirring to life again
CLAUDIA (Cont’d)
Oh god, they’re waking up.
NIKKI
I didn’t - How?
CLAUDIA
AHHHH
NIKKI
Oh no wait wait- I just had them in a two minute shutdown. I’ll turn them off again
DAD
It’s Nikki!
MOM
There’s our little girl.
NIKKI
Oh wow! They recognized me this time! They’re learning!
CLAUDIA
I’m not sure that’s a good thing…
NIKKI
Oh babe, can I just talk to them? For one second?Please?
CLAUDIA
(torn - hates the robots, but feels bad for NIKKI)
I - Ugh. Okay, just for -
MOM
We’re so thrilled about your PREGNANCY
DAD
All humans should havePREGNANCY
CLAUDIA
Wow, they really got that on their minds.
NIKKI
Yeah! On a related topic: would you guys like to hear about the person I’m dating?
CLAUDIA
Uh, why is that a related // topic?
MOM
Yes. We hope it is TOM BERGERON
NIKKI
Close! I’m actually dating… Claudia! This is Claudia. She’s my girlfriend.
Another beat.
CLAUDIA
Oh boy…
MOM
I have a coupon // I have a good coupon for you.
DAD
You should try this space heater.
NIKKI
Uh, what is happening?
DAD
My space heater is good for my Digestion.
MOM
Are you eating enough for your Digestion?
CLAUDIA
I think they’re changing the subject.
NIKKI
Mom. Dad. Did you not hear about - ?
MOM
I have some CELERY AND PIZZA In my purse.
DAD
I have a kazoo in my Purse.
NIKKI
But it’s really important that you get to know Claudia. She’s really great and -
MOM
You know what’s great? PICTIONARY
DAD
Let’s play the Pictionary!
SFX: squeaking sounds as the robots gyrate.
CLAUDIA
What are they doing? Are they… DANCING?
NIKKI
I… think you were right. I think they’re in total denial.
DAD
What shape am I making? Somebody guess!
MOM
SWEET POTATO. SWEET POTATO SHAPE.
CLAUDIA
Okay can we shut // them down now?
NIKKI
Yeah; yes; doing that riiiight…
SFX: Sound of robots powering down, ‘Mom’ trails off:
MOM
Does anyone want to guess how much I spent on this sweater just a hint I used couponnnnns…
CLAUDIA
Thank god.
NIKKI
Yeah.
CLAUDIA
What did you say you trained them on?
NIKKI
Social media feeds! TV shows they like. Lots of data points. And my mom does love coupons.
CLAUDIA
Okay, and is that how they play Pictionary?
NIKKI
Sometimes. When the pictures aren’t working. They get frustrated and jump up and down.
CLAUDIA
I still don’t think that means anything.
NIKKI
Well, I estimated that it’s ninety-eight percent accurate.
CLAUDIA
NINETY - what?! No. Given what we’ve seen?! They’re barely functional!
NIKKI
But it’s SOMETHING, Which is better than the horrible, horrible unknowns…
CLAUDIA
… This is really bumming you out, isn’t it?
NIKKI
I just wanted to hear these stupid robots say it was all okay. And then I could… maybe imagine my parents saying it. And being cool. Being better than cool! Being excited for me.
CLAUDIA
But your parents are your parents. They have inputs these robots could never have.
NIKKI
Oh my god would you STOP?! Stop pretending?! Like you know?! You don’t.
CLAUDIA
Okay fine. Fine. Maybe I - Maybe I don’t get it. But I’m kinda sick of being treated like - Like our relationship is this big, catastrophic stressor in your life.
NIKKI
(crabby)
It’s not. It’s wonderful. I really really like you. Darn - Stupid - I like you so much!
CLAUDIA
I like you too!
NIKKI
And I’m sorry I’m like this. But…
CLAUDIA
Yeah? … Nik, you can talk to me.
NIKKI
No I can’t. Ugh, I’m too much -
CLAUDIA
You’re not. And I’m sorry I was so… freaked out before. I should try and be more understanding.
NIKKI
Really?
CLAUDIA
Sure. I mean it’s cute… in a way. You went to all this trouble because you want your parents to like me. You want this to go well. It’s sweet.
NIKKI
Claudia… I have really bad anxiety.
CLAUDIA
Okay.
NIKKI
Like I’m not saying it to be funny or flippant or like I don’t - I’m - So: Last year I was diagnosed. And it helped me figure out why I’m… this way. And that was nice. But also scary because it’s part of me and I’m not just having a bad day when I’m like this. It’s not a feature or a bug it just…is. And I hope you can be okay with that.
CLAUDIA
Oh, Nik. Oh my god. Of course I’m - Of course I’m gonna support you, and I accept you one hundred percent.
NIKKI
Really?
CLAUDIA
And hey. Boot up your parents.
NIKKI
Wha - ? Really?
CLAUDIA
Yeah. I get something to say to them.
NIKKI
Alrighty!
SFX: whirring of robots coming back to life.
CLAUDIA
Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Teagues. It’s so nice to meet you. I’m Claudia. I’m Nikki’s girlfriend. And before you say anything, I just want you to know: I care about and respect your daughter very much. She’s a really talented data scientist and she’s funny, cute, so good at Pictionary – which I guess is a thing for you all – and honestly I can see this lasting a long time because guess what? I’m in love with Nikki…
SFX: sounds of CLAUDIA powering down
CLAUDIA (Cont’d)
… and we might even have those kids // you keep asking for at some point…
NIKKI
What? Claudia? Oh shoot. The extension cord. Holy shit. Were we about to get engaged?!
MOM
(shuddering a bit as THEY power down)
I like her.
DAD
I like her a lot.
MOM
Good energy.
DAD
Nice HAIR
MOM
Nice NOSE RING
NIKKI
Wait wait wait! You really…? Yeah? You really like her?
DAD
Thumbs-up, kiddo!
MOM
(with her last gasp of power)
You just seem so happy and that’s all that matters to us…
NIKKI
Wow. Amazing. Thanks, guys. Let me just get you under this tarp…
SFX: CLAUDIA entering again.
CLAUDIA
Babe are you almost ready? Says it’s fifteen minutes // from -
NIKKI
Yeah! Yep. I’m excited!
CLAUDIA
(surprised by how excited)
Really? Okay! You just seemed so nervous earlier, I was wondering -
NIKKI
I was. I am. But I’ve got you. So it’s all good.
CLAUDIA
Aw that’s so // sweet.
NIKKI
There is something I wanted to tell you. On the way over. But it’s -
CLAUDIA
Is it about what you’re working on? Can I take a peek? // Just a quick -
NIKKI
No no no, don’t - That’s top secret work stuff.
CLAUDIA
Is it good or - ?
NIKKI
Oh, it's totally good. I’m ninety-eight percent positive. It’ll be just fine.
CLAUDIA
Okay - ninety-eight percent? What, because you ran some sort of simulation?
NIKKI
No…because I know you. And I love you.
CLAUDIA
Wow. Okay.
NIKKI
Oh crap, was that too soon? Because in the simulation - Ohhhh I should have - I should have run that contingency, I was going to -
CLAUDIA
It’s okay!It’s totally - I love you too, Nikki.
MOM
AND I LOVE YOU TOM TA TOM TOM TOM
CLAUDIA
What the hell // was that?
NIKKI
Nothing! Nothing! Let’s get out of here.
MOM
AND REMEMBER, IF YOU GET IT ON TAPE YOU COULD GET IT IN CASH!
GOODNIGHT, FOLKS!
Thank you so much for listening. In The Simulation by Bethany Dickens Assaf
Nikki was played by Ellisha O’ Donnell
Claudia by Rosie Beech
Robot Mom by Alice Gold
and Robot Dad by Mark McCaoimhin
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